Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
The 50 most controversial tee-shirts of all-time (see how many you remember) https://www.thecut.com/2013/10/50-most-controversial-t-shirts-of-all-time.html

-= 2 =-
A city's prostitution district should be nicknamed "The Garden Shed" because everywhere you look are hoes!

-= 3 =-
Once a king, always a king
Once a night, is just a good start.

-= 4 =-
~#~ Mitch Hedburg on iHeartRadio.com comedy My buddy asked me, "What's the abbreviation for Arkansas?" I replied, "Just start spelling it. . then quit."

-= 5 =-
Q: Why do they shoot "The Voice" in Hi-Def? A: Because you need to be high & deaf to stand watching it!

-= 6 =-
John asked his fellow recent college Freshman where he's been for the past few weeks.

"I met a woman & she's FANTASTIC!" answered Jake.

"Awesome," responded his friend, "tell me about her."

"She's beautiful and sexy and we get along so very well!"

"Yeah? How old is she?"

"About 15 years older than us."

"Duuude! I get it -- May-December romances are wonderful for December, because May is young, fresh, like spring, but what do YOU get out of December?"

"Christmas!" Jake said, with a cheeky, knowing, grin.

-= 7 =-
Fun ponderables:
Like 'em or not--same price (SFA!)

So now cocaine is legal in Oregon, but straws arenÆt. That must be frustrating.

Still trying to get my head around the fact that æTake OutÆ can mean food, dating, or murder.

Threw out my back sleeping, and tweaked my neck sneezing so IÆm probably just one strong fart away from complete paralysis.

The older I get, the more I understand why roosters just scream to start their day.

Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the æcool tableÆ in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.

You know youÆre over 50 when you have æupstairs ibuprofenÆ and ædownstairs ibuprofenÆ.

How did doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life, whenàthe rabbit is always jumping but only lives for around two years, and the turtle that doesnÆt exercise at all, lives over 200 years. So, rest, chill, eat, drink, and enjoy life!

I too was once a male trapped in a female bodyàbut then my mother gave birth.

If only vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

When I lost the fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it. He said, ôProbably, but I wouldnÆt count on it.ö

I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise. But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.

Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.

We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people wonÆt be offended.

The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they arenÆt a robot.

ItÆs weird being the same age as old people.

If Adam and Eve were Cajuns they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.

We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages àà Metamucil and Ensure.

You know you are getting old when friends with benefits means having someone who can drive at night.

Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.

*After watching how some people wore their masks, I understand why contraception fails.

*Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile I am watching a show I donÆt like because the remote fell on the floor.

*For those of you that donÆt want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male versionà.it doesnÆt listen to anything.

*Now that Covid has everyone washing their hands correctlyànext weekàTurn Signals.

*Someone said, ôNothing rhymes with orange.ö I said, ôNo, it doesnÆt.ö

*The pessimist complains about the wind. The optimist expects it to change. The realist adjusts his sails.

*ThereÆs a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

*Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are.

*I have many hidden talents. I just wish I could remember where I hid them.

*My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.

*Apparently exercise helps you with decision-making. ItÆs true. I went for a run this morning and decided IÆm never going again.

-= 8 =-
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing,

and I said, "Nothing."

The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"

At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.

-= 9 =-
Women. . .
are a lot like bacon. . .

Because they smell amazing;
They taste fantastic;
& they will kill you slowly!

-= 10 =-
from Reddit:

I used to work at an outdoor gear retailer selling camping gear, boats, bikes, rock climbing gear. Kind of like an REI, but a smaller local store. This lady comes in asking if we have bear bells. The idea of bear bells is that they make a light jingle sound, so hopefully the bears will hear that and avoid you because they tend to avoid confrontation. So she gets a large amount of bear bells. I assume she just has a large family. After I check her out, she asks,

ôSo, how do you get the bell on the bear?ö

I reply, ôExcuse me?ö

ôHow do I get the bell on the bear so I know when itÆs nearby?ö

[They walk among us & they VOTE!!!]

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-7
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

...snip...

"Duuude! I get it -- May-December romances are wonderful for December, because
May is young, fresh, like spring, but what do YOU get out of December?"

"Christmas!" Jake said, with a cheeky, knowing, grin.

This one was my favorite. The one caveat is that, once you get to the age where you yourself are getting nearer December, it will go from being "Christmas!" to a Christmas where you get socks. ;)

Mike


* SLMR 2.1a * "Gasoline clears my sinuses!" - Fred G. Sanford
--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: capitolcityonline.net * Telnet/SSH:2022/HTTP (1:2320/105)

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Becaue you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
The 50 most controversial tee-shirts of all-time (see how many you remember) https://www.thecut.com/2013/10/50-most-controversial-t-shirts-of-all-time.html

-= 2 =-
A city's prostitution district should be nicknamed "The Garden Shed" because everywhere you look are hoes!

-= 3 =-
Once a king, always a king
Once a night, is just a good start.

-= 4 =-
~#~ Mitch Hedburg on iHeartRadio.com comedy My buddy asked me, "What's the abbreviation for Arkansas?" I replied, "Just start spelling it. . then quit."

-= 5 =-
Q: Why do they shoot "The Voice" in Hi-Def? A: Because you need to be high & deaf to stand watching it!

-= 6 =-
John asked his fellow recent college Freshman where he's been for the past few weeks.

"I met a woman & she's FANTASTIC!" answered Jake.

"Awesome," responded his friend, "tell me about her."

"She's beautiful and sexy and we get along so very well!"

"Yeah? How old is she?"

"About 15 years older than us."

"Duuude! I get it -- May-December romances are wonderful for December, because May is young, fresh, like spring, but what do you get out of December?"

"Christmas!" Jake said, with a cheeky, knowing, grin.

-= 7 =-
Fun ponderables:
Like 'em or not--same price (SFA!)

So now cocaine is legal in Oregon, but straws arenÆt. That must be frustrating.

Still trying to get my head around the fact that æTake OutÆ can mean food, dating, or murder.

Threw out my back sleeping, and tweaked my neck sneezing so IÆm probably just one strong fart away from complete paralysis.

The older I get, the more I understand why roosters just scream to start their day.

Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the æcool tableÆ in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.

You know youÆre over 50 when you have æupstairs ibuprofenÆ and ædownstairs ibuprofenÆ.

How did doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life, whenàthe rabbit is always jumping but only lives for around two years, and the turtle that doesnÆt exercise at all, lives over 200 years. So, rest, chill, eat, drink, and enjoy life!

I too was once a male trapped in a female bodyàbut then my mother gave birth.

If only vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

When I lost the fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it. He said, ôProbably, but I wouldnÆt count on it.ö

I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise. But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.

Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.

We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people wonÆt be offended.

The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they arenÆt a robot.

ItÆs weird being the same age as old people.

If Adam and Eve were Cajuns they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.

We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages àà Metamucil and Ensure.

You know you are getting old when friends with benefits means having someone who can drive at night.

Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.

*After watching how some people wore their masks, I understand why contraception fails.

*Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile I am watching a show I donÆt like because the remote fell on the floor.

*For those of you that donÆt want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male versionà.it doesnÆt listen to anything.

*Now that Covid has everyone washing their hands correctlyànext weekàTurn Signals.

*Someone said, ôNothing rhymes with orange.ö I said, ôNo, it doesnÆt.ö

*The pessimist complains about the wind. The optimist expects it to change. The realist adjusts his sails.

*ThereÆs a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

*Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are.

*I have many hidden talents. I just wish I could remember where I hid them.

*My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.

*Apparently exercise helps you with decision-making. ItÆs true. I went for a run this morning and decided IÆm never going again.

-= 8 =-
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing,

and I said, "Nothing."

The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"

At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.

-= 9 =-
Women. . .
are a lot like bacon. . .

Because they smell amazing;
They taste fantastic;
& they will kill you slowly!

-= 10 =-
from Reddit:

I used to work at an outdoor gear retailer selling camping gear, boats, bikes, rock climbing gear. Kind of like an REI, but a smaller local store. This lady comes in asking if we have bear bells. The idea of bear bells is that they make a light jingle sound, so hopefully the bears will hear that and avoid you because they tend to avoid confrontation. So she gets a large amount of bear bells. I assume she just has a large family. After I check her out, she asks,

ôSo, how do you get the bell on the bear?ö

I reply, ôExcuse me?ö

ôHow do I get the bell on the bear so I know when itÆs nearby?ö

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-7
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

...snip...

"Duuude! I get it -- May-December romances are wonderful for December,

because

May is young, fresh, like spring, but what do YOU get out of December?"
"Christmas!" Jake said, with a cheeky, knowing, grin.

This one was my favorite. The one caveat is that, once you get to the age where you yourself are getting nearer December, it will go from being "Christmas!" to a Christmas where you get socks. ;)

Not for you, if you're December getting some May, hoo-boy! winner! winner! Lovin' dinner!

Joke I found on Reddit:

I'm in an age gap relationship.
I'm 40, she's 19.

Anyway, we went out for a meal, as soon as we walked in the restaurant people shot me dirty looks, then the whispering started "nonce", "pervert" "paedo.

My girlfriend got upset and we left.

Completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.




--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-7
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

...snip...

"Duuude! I get it -- May-December romances are wonderful for December,

because

May is young, fresh, like spring, but what do YOU get out of December?"
"Christmas!" Jake said, with a cheeky, knowing, grin.

This one was my favorite. The one caveat is that, once you get to the age where you yourself are getting nearer December, it will go from being "Christmas!" to a Christmas where you get socks. ;)

My feet are always cold -- socks sounds good, actually!

Everybody has holes in their socks. That's how you get them over your feet.

Q: What kind of socks do Pandas wear? A: None, they have bear feet.

Q: What did the hat say to the sock? A: I'll go on a head, & you can follow, on foot.

Did you hear about the sock divorce? One always had to be right, and so the other left.



--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-7
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

"Duuude! I get it -- May-December romances are wonderful for December,

because

May is young, fresh, like spring, but what do YOU get out of December?"
"Christmas!" Jake said, with a cheeky, knowing, grin.

This one was my favorite. The one caveat is that, once you get to the age where you yourself are getting nearer December, it will go from being "Christmas!" to a Christmas where you get socks. ;)

It gets easier with age, for the mam, as he just gets his wife to do a headstand, then drops it in! Worked for my honeymoon!

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-7
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

...snip...

"Duuude! I get it -- May-December romances are wonderful for December,

because

May is young, fresh, like spring, but what do YOU get out of December?"
"Christmas!" Jake said, with a cheeky, knowing, grin.

This one was my favorite. The one caveat is that, once you get to the age where you yourself are getting nearer December, it will go from being "Christmas!" to a Christmas where you get socks. ;)

BTW, you omitted a newly posted/included joke in your reply. . .

It has been observed that the problem with Viagra is the women you're now capable of boinking & have a shot at, are a waste of whatever the damned pill costs!

There needs to be a geriaphilic prostitute who carries her own supply of Viagra, and to keep the duffers feeling "cool" she sells them as Ecstacy.

old man: whaaaa?
Her: oh, that's a sometime side effect of X. . . don't worry about it, let me help you out there. . .
OM: SHAZAAAAMMMM!!!!

Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'

'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'

'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!

Meanwhile, in Mnew Jersey:

"Dad! I just whored myself and last night I made $1200 and 25 cents!"

"What cheap sunnavabish gave you a quarter?!"

"THEY AALLLLLLLL DID!"

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-7
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these.
Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00
cancelation fee! ;)

$19?? What about depreciation?? Shouldn't it be 19 cents?? <g,d,r>

Deprecation is calculated annually, based on standard rates as calculated using GAAPs.

Being as these posts occur about monthly or so, there's no depreciation to be applied.

Sorry, that's $25 now ($6 A.T. for asking for a discount)

Work is also a nasty 4 letter word.

[I've been saying this next one for years, but HE gets the credit?!]

And, he's getting paid more money than you are.

Likely, being as I just got laid off for economy reasons. But got 2.5X the required severance, so that's held us over the initial bump of a missing paycheque, but now I'm out looking & nobody wants to hire an old male cripple -
- I'm hitting a couple boxes for being PC, but then I'm losing on a couple, so it's screw you to me. .

If I were a young black crippled woman, I'd be in the running to be Prime Minister in this fall's federal election!

"The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you
can't ignore it, top it; if you can't top it, laugh at it; if you can't
laugh at it, it's probably deserved." --Russell Lynes

Just like the celebrity roasts...you can find a lot of those on YouTube.

I've got most of the Comedy Central ones downloaded as torrents. Always good for some laughs. Seen the Trump one?

I should've been on the panel: "You're a fat old orange bastard!

"... They say you only roast the ones you love; in this case, making the exception, I say I roast the one whom I'm being paid cash to do so, plus flight
& hotel to be here."

Oh I guess I should've prefaced my roast with "quote, unquote from the American public"

eventually, they'll do the same to 4G, to try to get (force) folks to
upgrade to 5G. The thing is, not everyone has a ton of money lying
around to upgrade their phone on a whim. I'm a firm believer in "If it
ain't broke, don't fix it". Why folks have to always have the latest
and greatest item, is beyond me.

"Keeping up with the Joneses," IOW: covetousness, greed, & envy.

I was raised to not be concerned with what my brother had or didn't have nor what neighbour kids had or didn't & whether or not I measured up. I learned to simply look at what I have and be thankful.

Now, I think it's considered an imprisonable crime if you try to teach your kids this, as you're deemed to be stealing from the corporate overlords.

Well, I don't work for them, so f them & their profit margins, actually, take their big display boards at their board meeting, fold them up & f them WITH their bottom lines! If there's no blood to clean up, you did it wrong.

"Scientists believe the first modern Europeans mated with Neanderthals.
This is the oldest evidence yet of beer goggles." -Conan O'Brien

They were probably drunk as coots as well.

This is the classic definition of beer goggles.

"Life in Lubbock, Texas taught me two things: One is that God loves you
and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most
awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should save it for someone you
love." -Butch Hancock

Never mind a hot time in the old town tonight.

Or an old time in the hot tub?

[Roombas]

Sure looks that way. Next, it'll send pictures as you enter and leave
the shower, naked as a jaybird.

I'm pretty sure this is already a thing; according to an uncensored Google video search, anyhow. . .

I would say so. However, at a nudist wedding, you can always tell who
the blind man is...because it's not hard.

Makes more sense in the original format: Q: Is it easy to tell who the blind man is at a nudist wedding? A: It's not hard.

Also, at a nude wedding, you can easily tell who the BEST man is!

Seinfeld & I say: if he's the best man why is she marrying HIM?

That's the new language...although BBSing had first dibs on it with emoticons.

Yup, I helped fill out & disseminate those early AOL lists, including putting the Cyberpopicon in them (see sig)

At first I used: +-:-{)} until someone pointed out that the pope wears a mitre, & she suggested the current version: <+]:-{)} If Io go back to wearing glasses, there'll be four eyes. & if & when I shave, then the beard & 'stache go away on my cyberpopicon. I've since added a kippa(yarmulka) which is a Jewish man's reminder, all day, that God is infinite & is above & watching us. Helps keep us better behaved; apparently the women weren't deemed to need this reminder, as God is always with them (in using the monthly bleeds to keep the women pure & unto Himself.); they were never unclean as in dirty, as the limited English translations suggest, but "ritually separated from men"; the translators didn't want to do more than a one-for-one word translation even when it's obviously unwarranted (like when they called bats "bats & other birds"

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room?" says the old man.
"Get serious," she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair!"

Never mind rock around the cock. :P

I now know more about Bill Haley than I ever needed to!

cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say
mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his
and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Semantics and details.

Semantics & details fuel human discourse. . . (when alcohol is unavailable at a fair(cheap) price. . .)

Mother Superior announced at the convent that they had found a case
of gonorrhea. One blonde says "Oh, Thank God!! I'm so sick of Chardonnay!!"

Mother Superior: Girls. I know a man was in the rooms last night 99 nuns: "GASP!"
1 nun: "teeheehee"

MS: I found there was a condom in one of your rooms. 99: "GASP!"
1: "teeheehee"

MS: It had been USED!
99: "GASP!"
1" "teeheehee"

MS: There was a hole in the condom! 99: "teeheehee"
1: "GASP!"

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do
him any good."

In south Florida, if you don't know Spanish, you'll have a hard time
getting around.

I'm illiterate in hundreds of languages but I speak/understand about sixty.

Think about it: the first athlete to take a knee was Tanya Harding!
(~#~adapted from a Sid Davis joke)

I thought it was Nancy Kerrigan.

Who took whose knee out?

Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash, Caret quote back-tick dollar
dollar dash, Bang splat equal at dollar under-score, Percent splat waka
waka tilde number four, Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash,
Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH!

The new language.

Not so new, i think I colleterd that one in here about thirty years ago, or I posted it in here then, after seeing it in a Reader's Digest? I dunno -- I'm old, tired, & cranky now. Just call me Walter! (but unlike Walter I actually love & appreciate my wife!)

There's one day a year that Jews do not eat, it's called Yom Kippur.
The Irish have this, too, it's called Saint Patrick's Day!

I saw a T-Shirt and card once for St. Patrick's Day. It said on the
front "To all my friends, Kiss Me, I'm Irish". Then, on the inside,
you see the guy's butt, with the words "To all my enemies, Kiss Me,
I'm Irish". :P

I used to have two buttons:
1: "Kiss me, I'm Irish"
2: "Irish for a day."

So nobody thinks I'm actually lying about my ethnicity just to get kisses (it actually works & I usually collected more than my share of pretty girl kisses)

I'm married now, so that game has come to an end. . .

I've yet to have the balls to try some thing s buddy of mine did back in the 1960s: go door-to-door, wearing green & a leprechaun's hat, holding out a triple-sized shot glass & saying, "Trick or Drink"; said he never once got to the end of the block walking straight the last half!

He said literally EVERYONE has a bottle of some thing hidden away in an upper cupboard, even the Mormons, Mennonites, & Baptists!

Jews don't recognize Jesus as their Messiah. Christians don't recognize the Quran as their Bible Mormons don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

Never take a Southern Baptist fishing in the boat with you. Why not?
He'll drink all your beer.

Thee are stories I've heard, I mean no offense to anyone. . .

Of course!

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-7
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)